I see kartice

Card cock-up

I’m famed among friends and families for often buying greetings cards that are a little close to the bone; the more suggestive the better, as far as I’m concerned, and if the maker has thrown a little bad taste in there – well, so much the better. Obviously, I keep it clean when it comes to my older relatives, but I’m lucky in that most of the people I know either share my slightly black sense of humour or at least appreciate that any offensive sentiment was meant 100% as a joke.

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Dear old mumsie

My dear old mother has an obsession with buying greetings cards, and more often than not they are to keep for herself, or she might buy one to send on, but then she can’t bear to give it away so sends a boring blank card instead of the funny one she bought. It has literally reached the point of obsession now, where she has started to hoard cards in her handbag, car and house.

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Cute Animals + nonsensical human sayings = The Finest Cards Known to Man (and cat)

Birthday cards, anniversary cards, Christmas cards, Hanukkah cards… even Hurray, it’s your Wedding! and Happy Having a Baby cards… Now, this may be controversial but I’m going to posit a theory.

All of these genres of card could be improved with LOL cats.

I know. True controversy.

And let’s get this straight, I’m not advocating the use of the meerkats off the telly, or anything like that. But, let’s face it, what event couldn’t be improved with the presence of a cute kitten with a demonic expression above a tag-line provided by the genius of the internet?

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PVC banner: a giant card

Everyone loves a really funny card. If you’re like me, you keep a collection of old cards underneath your bed. I have cards from as far back as my fourth birthday. Of course, while some are meant to be funny, others are just funny because of the terrible or hilarious things that people have written in them.
I still find cards a source of hilarity today. In part because of the different appearances of cards these days. Cards are no longer just your standard small A5 style folded paper. No, today’s cards can be just about anything. A giant paper card, cards made from PVC banners, or even an ecard.
One thing’s for sure, and that’s that cards are going to remain a part of our lives–no matter what they look like. Sure, it’s harder to keep an ecard or a PVC banner card beneath my bed, but you can be guaranteed that I’ll do the best I can to have them as keepsakes.
There’s something about cards that sticks in your mind. It’s partly because they represent a special time in your life, and partly because they show all the people who care about you. (Or, if they’re from your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, the people who now hate your guts). Going over your cards you’ll find a lot to laugh, and perhaps cry about, so it’d be a shame not to keep them.
Who knows, perhaps people need to start printing out those ecards so that they can still have them for reference later on. Although on the plus side, there’s no danger of them getting lost in a fire!

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Story Of A Guy Desperate For Popularity

I find it impossible to suppress my giggles whenever I hear the name Peter Smith. Well, it is a commonly used name and there is nothing funny about the name as such. However, the moment I hear this name, I end up remembering the funniest incident of my life. I went to my university computer library and discovered that the previous user had not locked out of his account. What is more, he had not even shut down the mail that he had received.

It seems somebody named Peter Smith had been sending online greeting cards to his own mail account. What is more, he made it a point to visit the sultriest web sites online and captured images of pretty woman in intimate postures. He then proceeded to convert them into e greeting cards.

He used these images to make very erotic electronic greeting cards and used to send them to his own account. Well, the person who discovered this ended up spending the word that here was a person who was mailing e greeting cards to himself. To do so with an ordinary greeting card makes sense because others would quickly realize that their roommate or co-student was a very popular person.

However, to do so on the internet when the account is protected by a password simply does not make sense. Chances are high that the person had to purposefully keep his account open in front of others so that they could discover how popular a man he was. To this date, I find this funniest incident that I have ever seen. Here was a person who tried so hard to prove his popularity that he decided to make his private e-mail account completely public.

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It’s stupid time

Who better than to insult someone than legendary down-in-the-dumps-genius Jane Austen? Head on over to Zazzle for all kinds of awesome insults which you can feel free to sling at people you hate. Or people you love who have a sense of humour. You decide. But just don’t tell anyone I told you to do so, right?

But seriously, the mistress of misery has some wise insights. At the site you’ll find Jane being sarcastic, Jane being snide, and Jane being very self-righteous. As you’d probably expected. Which is most fantastic.

Who knows what Austen would do if she was brought back to our society now. I personally think she’d struggle, and I definitely think she’d be a right pain if you sent her speed-dating. In fact, I happen to think it wouldn’t be worth it. She’d probably go and write a laboured novel about it, wouldn’t she? And you’d only have yourself to blame for that, then.

But getting back to the beauty of the online printing website of the modern day, at least Austen wouldn’t moan her skinny old bum off about that. With the speed and efficiency that these sites operate at, you can’t really go too far wrong, even if moaning is what you do best. (Then again, I’m sure Austen would find more things to moan about just when you least expect it…like the appearance of predictive text and the way all teenagers seem to not be capable of constructing a simple sentence…and really, with that one you couldn’t blame her…)

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Greetings cards ideas – printing

Some of the best cards I have ever received have come from my friend Debs. Debs is quite the artist, you know, and each and every card she sends me is original, funny, and quite brilliant.

Here are three of Debs’s outstanding card ideas for you.

1) Her Rooster: using a potato sculpted into one of her crazy Rooster shapes, Debs is quite the chicken expert. With a huge beak and terrifying plumage, this red-ink on white card card is nothing short of splendid!

2) Debs’s Diplodocus: yes, oh yes, she’s a bit of a dinosaur expert too, you know. Along with her friend Paul Horton they make dinosaur cards which would have almost certainly made it onto the set of Jurassic Park…had they been born a few years earlier. But there it is: you can’t win it all.
3) Debs’s pig cards: depicting a huge sow, these are a real winner. Debs cuts the design from lino and then uses ink to print with. The cards look great, the designs have sharp edges and each and every card is different from any other!

Basically, it’s really easy to do: buy some potatoes, some printing ink, a board to do this on – it’ll get messy – and you’ll be well away. Just be aware that the potato pieces won’t last forever. They will probably be good for up to ten prints, and then the ink will make them fall apart.

But still, that’s the fun of it: because then you get to create more and more like Debs!

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Create your own gifts

I always think how nice it would be to make my own greetings cards for a change. I know it would make my Mum cry – even if I am now 33 years old! However, I always leave it too late and end up popping out to the corner shop in a panic and picking up some horrendous effort with a cartoon bunny rabbit for female relatives or a painting of a steam train for males. You know the kind of thing I mean. The stock that long ago should have been consigned to self storage, but which they leave out ready for desperate idiots like me…

Anyway, this year I’m getting prepared early. I may have already missed most of the big birthdays in my family, but I have six months until Christmas. I figured six months was enough time even for me to cobble together a reasonable effort at home-made cards! I’ve bought myself a few cross stitching kits off the internet and have made a start on them. I used to do stuff like this a lot when I was a kid and I had hoped it was like riding a bike. Sadly, that has not proved to be the case and I have already had to completely unpick one kit after my robin started to look more like something you might see in the toilet bowl…

I’m hoping the grateful tears of my relatives will make up for all the hours of straining my eyes and pricking my fingers on the damn needle. Chances are most of them won’t even I realise I made the cards anyway!

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Look on the Far Side

I went through a period a while ago of only buying friends and family Far Side greetings cards when it was their birthday. Or even using them for somewhat inappropriate situations, like the card about domestic violence in plants that I bought for my friend’s wedding day! I didn’t really care what message I was sending with the cartoon that featured on the front, as long as it made me laugh. It could have been a picture of a carte r4 or something equally uninspiring, but if Gary Larsen had done something funny with it, then into the envelope it went.
For those of you who haven’t seen a Far Side cartoon, my obsession probably seems a bit weird, but trust me; these were funny, entertaining and very, very quirky cartoons. They usually involved animals, plants or inanimate objects in curiously human situations and he had a particular love of drawing dinosaurs. Even if you’re not a Far Side fan you must have raised a smile at the cartoon and card showing a bunch of T-Rex’s smuggling cigarettes with the caption “The real reason dinosaurs became extinct”.
Every now and then there would the odd cartoon that just didn’t quite hit the spot – such as the penguin in a crowd of identical penguins singing”I just got to be me” but who was painted yellow so he did stand out from the crowd. Years later when I bought Larsen’s autobiography I found out that the penguin was always supposed to be just like his chums in the cartoon, but that the greetings card company had decided black and white was “too dull” thereby changing the whole tone of the joke. At least that explains why I didn’t get that one!

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Fancy A Bit Of Stupid?

Are you Mr or Miss sarcastic? Are you the person at the office party who can’t stop telling awful jokes that make everyone cringe and fall about with shock and embarrassment? Do you love receiving and sending really stupid greetings cards that you know your warped friend with his twisted sense of humour will appreciate? Then it would seem you’re about to have your socks blown-off (unless you’ve already beaten me to it). Have a look at the following web-site and see what I’m blabbering on about, will you? It can be found at: http://www.zazzle.co.uk/stupid+cards

Wow, even I was impressed by how many stupid greetings cards are on offer, and not only that…but they won’t break the bank! That means that you can save all your money and spend it on something for yourself, like that lovely caroline shotton painting you’ve had your eye on for ages. Just don’t tell your friend because twisted as he may be, he’d never understand that the money is better spent on yourself, would he?

But seriously, it’s a good selection, and there are all kinds of stupid in there too. So it doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of fart jokes or clever sayings, you’re bound to find something over at Zazzle.

Failing that, of course, you could always make your own super-cheap and nasty stupid card. Which friend wouldn’t appreciate that? The best part about doing it yourself is that nobody is going to stop you from writing exactly what you want on there. How good does that sound when it comes to getting your own back?

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